Something I have been pondering…..a moment of very raw honesty.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. What is it that makes it so hard for me to be around my friends that are dating? When I’m with them all I have is this overwhelming desire to just leave…run away. I want run to the safety of my tiny little dorm room where I know no one else will be, turn on the TV, and basically cut them out of my life. I want to cut out of my life these people that I dearly love. I want to cut out of my life the people who have dropped everything to run me on an errand I needed to do. I want to cut out of my life the people who threw me a surprise birthday party last semester. I want to cut out of my life some of the best coffee dates and conversation partners I’ve ever had. What right do I have to be angry with someone just because they are happily dating?? I don’t even want a boyfriend. None of it makes any sense and simply put, I hate the way I feel right now. I hate that I have cried now for four days straight, but most of all I hate that I am embarrassed to talk about the way I feel with any of these friends. I have never had a season of my life that has been so overwhelmingly painful and confusing.

In a tearful moment on the phone my mother asked me if I was jealous. Maybe a little but truthfully I don’t think that’s it. All I can really pinpoint is this deep sense of sadness that I cannot seem to ignore. Believe me I've tried. It’s feels like someone is constantly squeezing my heart. Then when I’m around my friends my heart gets twisted and squeezed all the more. Last night I wrote in my journal asking God to search my heart and help me better understand why I am feeling this way. I have no doubt God is doing something important in my life. I just wish I knew what it was and for how long he was planning on me going through this. Wouldn’t it be great if God gave you a calendar for all the difficult seasons in your life?? At least you would have an ending date for those hard times! I just don’t know if I can survive a whole semester like the past four days have been.